Friday, January 27, 2012

When I'm Unemployed

I haven't written a post in a very long time, probably because of the confusion cluster associated with (my former) work and my slow slide and then abrupt drop into the cesspool of unemployment being laid off which technically began in early December December 5th to be exact (yes, Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas to me). I'm handling this a lot better than I thought I would I'm not nearly as bitter as I normally would be, considering that I do not do well am usually immobilized when I am not employed (and lookie here, I'm writing and not even hate mail to former colleagues). However, I'm finally old enough "ancient enough," something not lost on my former employer when they decided to send me a waiver of an age discrimination claim to sign in order to receive the pittance they call my severance payment to figure out how to stave off any negative emotional consequences that black hole of depression, which means that, I have remedied that pain in my ass pain-in-my-psyche by a pain-in-my-(literal)-neck-and arms, which I'm thinking about using to file a workman's compensation claim so that I can really stick it to my former employer I prefer, by the way.

Due to expert advice from busybodies Facebook friends and coaches of all sorts, looking-for-the-good in the not-so-good has become a mask I put on every freaking morning part of my new life.  And because I like to catalog things, I've created a list of the truly horrible consequences benefits that come from being unemployed useless. So, here is the beginning of what might become a very long list of stuff, depending on the length of my leisuredom my positive take on the five benefits of being unemployed. So far it:

1. Allows me the flexibility to work at any time of the day or night that pleases me sleep in, not shower, and work in my pajamas all day until my husband begs me to wash myself if I want him to sleep in the marital bed;

2.  Gives me the freedom to go out for lunch at a nice restaurant at whatever time I would like and for as long as I would like (wait, I don't have the money to eat out anymore so I chew on Kraft cheese food, something that could remind you of Brie if you hold your nose) and with whom I would like (let's face it, there's noone to eat with because everyone else has a valuable career they're chasing and my former co-workers can't stand me);

3. Allows me to spend quality time with (gripe at) my husband, children and mother (if you can't kick your family when you're down, who can you kick?). 

4. Gives me the satisfaction of hearing from numerous recruiters and potential employers about what a wonderful career I've had and how much money they would like to pay me if only I would consider their offers (who am I kidding, all I receive are rejection letters, and sometime email notices telling me that I've already applied for a certain job 3 times).

5. Having the satisfaction of spreading the benefit of my experience to not-for-profits doing volunteer work (screw that, I couldn't be elected to my neighborhood board, even though there was a dearth of applicants).

So, here you are, proof that tough experiences produce profound growth incredible suffering and  the space to give back a waste of talent.

Check back later for more tidbits from this incredible learning experience. I would bet that they never stop coming.


  1. Please, no contact needed from attorneys of my former wonderful and very generous employer. This is all my attempt at being funny -- maybe not such a good attempt, but an attempt none the less. (What can I say? I like to write and I'm branching out).

    You all *know* that you (the attorneys) were my favorite employees at said former employer, right? Right?

  2. I have to say...I enjoyed your post. Was very humerous while truthful. Thought it was excellent how you wrote and included the parts with the line through it for an extra laugh.
    Great job. lol
    Hope much has improved since your post.
    God Bless

    Mrs White

  3. Hi Mrs. White,

    Things have improved. I have a new job. So, as usual, losing my last job turned out to be a blessing in disguise. That's generally, though not always, true of life.

    In many ways I have been blessed.



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