Saturday, October 30, 2010

Self Control? Self Censorship? Or Self-Improvement?

Why can't *other people* just control themselves...?

Or said another way, why can't people learn to self censure?

I have been struggling with this question for the last few days because I have been irritated at some of the people I live with for their inability to stop criticizing (me). You know the old adage: If you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all.

But, no matter how much I just want peace and quiet I have to ask myself, is self censorship desirable or even a good goal? 

If someone is constantly irritated and cranky, and they have the self control to hold it in, isn't it nearly as bad for you and for them as if they just spoke their (cranky) mind?  I tend to think that I can read people fairly well, and if I was with a person that was angry all the time, verbalized or not, I'd know. Living with that sort of anger sounds illness inducing. And probably has been.

However, I am reminded that I can't control someone else and what they do or don't do, or what they think or don't think, or feel or don't feel. Yes, those things are outside of my control.

That's too bad because I was going to recommend meditation to attain inner peace and harmony *for the other person.*  :-)

What I *can* do I guess, is to encourage communication and problem solving with my house-mates. And I know that I can work on not letting someone else's attitude or problem bother me so much, through meditation, prayer, and inner work.


So, I guess I've answered my own question, even if I don't like the answer so much, because it means work, and change, and self improvement for *me.*

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Waiting: for who we will become

Today I was reminded by a friends' post, that in marriage or in any other partnership we seem to be waiting for the "other person" to blossom into who they have the potental to become. This fact is at the root of relationships, great or small, but especially at the root of marriages, I think. I also think it's at the root of divorces.

If only he would.... If only she could... Some day he will... At some point she'll learn...

My husband and I have 27 years of marriage behind us, and yet after reading my friend's post, I thought, "yes, I'm waiting for my husband to reach his full potential," because of ... because of... [insert issue here]. Does it matter?

Then immediately after this thought knew that surely he was waiting for me to improve in innumerable ways, also.

And then I realized:

What a waste of time. What a pity. What an example of "expectations" gone awry.

You would think that after nearly 30 years I would certainly know that who we are is what counts, and that the best of each of us should be celebrated each day.

The rest can be mourned once overcome.

So, here's a reminder to celebrate what we become daily.
 
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