I'm too old for this

Dominique Browning wrote a piece for the New York Times titled, "I'm too old for this." It resonated. Not just the first part of the article about the deterioration of our looks at 60, but mostly the latter part of the article on the freedom to ditch old baggage and suffocating expectations. She was finally going to be herself. The idea of living light and right always perks me up. Then my family intervened.

And the rains came.

I'm not "chatty." When I do talk, I talk too loud. I think too deep. I care too much. In writing, particularly on Facebook, where developing thoughts should never be written lest a misunderstanding occur, I write them, hoping for a connection, or someone on the receiving end to help me grab my thinking and move forward. I always intend to be meaningful, and most of the time caring (except for incidents where hate speech is involved- but that is a different topic for another time).

Apparently, I should just shut up. Basically, that's what I think I'll do.

How does this jibe with the, "I'm too old for this" freedom we are supposed to have at a certain age? It doesn't, at least not if you care at all about what others think, which is basically the point of the article.

You shouldn't care. And I do. I do a lot.

 

Looking for a clear view

I worry about this because it means my development is stunted, and I'll never be free. I believe in my heart I've done the right thing. But, I'm shamed. I retreat and apologize. Then feel awful, because I've reconstructed the incident to be what I'm told it was. But, it wasn't. At least for me.

Not that many months ago, I sat with one of my mentors in Sri Lanka sharing lunch. He spoke about his attempts to not speak negatively. But, he said that whenever he opened his mouth, judgments came out. His answer was to meditate and be mute.

I'm with him. And I wish others would come along.

When Another Woman Inspires Your Partner-- Thinking Through My Response

Rich is home from Portland and in fine spirits. He is up early, singing to himself as he readies himself for work. He kisses me goodbye on the forehead before he darts out of the house and into his truck for the commute to work. He was so unusually kind and attentive last night (as compared to his moody demeanor for the last many months) as we ate dinner and watched my Netflix-movie-picks (he usually hates them, by the way) that I had to ask him about the reason for his change of heart and new bouyant persona.

Given that opening-- and my seemingly innocuous, non-threatening invitation to share-- he felt comfortable enough to tell me that the impetus for his jolly change of heart came from his heart-to-heart with a female, Chinese collaborator, with whom he talked at length for the past week when he was at his annual meeting out-West.

Deep in-take of breath, trying to maintain my composure. Big smile.

I hear that the topic of conversation for this very "Christian" woman and my "Agnostic" husband is--doing the right thing, acting the right way, being the right partner. Apparently, he's been moved by her example (her experience-- she's engaged).

Tell me why I'm not thrilled over this development?...Isn't any vehicle for the dissemination of important news heaven-sent? Why do I feel so suspicious?

I should be thankful. Right?