1. People who “friend” you probably don’t think of you as a real-life “friend.”
Even though, you’ve shared your most intimate life experiences and feelings with them, and photos of your children and grandchildren, they could block you, unfriend you or ignore you in an instant, and never look back. I know. They could also place you on a restricted list so that you don’t see a thing about their lives, all the while you are sharing everything with them. More “friends” than you think- will do all of that (oddly, mostly “friends” you’ve met on-line). If you think of a “friend” as someone who is with you during the ups and downs of life- be careful about being “friends” with them on Facebook; and be afraid of anyone who says they don’t have the time to listen to something you’re going through. Being successful, garners more “friends;” and I have been (successful). Being not so, will strip them from you; and right now I’m not. If you’ve friended people who are only a whimsical flick away from the “(un)friend” button, be careful. The good news is that nothing that is done can’t be undone. You always have the option of “unfriending” them, or even blocking them, although, that’s been against my definition of how to treat people. You’ll have to find your own way forward. Just remember, their definition of a “friendship” is not always yours.
Even though, you’ve shared your most intimate life experiences and feelings with them, and photos of your children and grandchildren, they could block you, unfriend you or ignore you in an instant, and never look back. I know. They could also place you on a restricted list so that you don’t see a thing about their lives, all the while you are sharing everything with them. More “friends” than you think- will do all of that (oddly, mostly “friends” you’ve met on-line). If you think of a “friend” as someone who is with you during the ups and downs of life- be careful about being “friends” with them on Facebook; and be afraid of anyone who says they don’t have the time to listen to something you’re going through. Being successful, garners more “friends;” and I have been (successful). Being not so, will strip them from you; and right now I’m not. If you’ve friended people who are only a whimsical flick away from the “(un)friend” button, be careful. The good news is that nothing that is done can’t be undone. You always have the option of “unfriending” them, or even blocking them, although, that’s been against my definition of how to treat people. You’ll have to find your own way forward. Just remember, their definition of a “friendship” is not always yours.
2. So when you “accept” a friend request, or ask for one, think about what the definition of a “friend” means to you, and does the person “fit” that definition?
Is a “friend” someone you chat with on Facebook over political opinions? Is it someone you’d meet in a restaurant for a drink? Is it someone who could come to your block party? Is it someone you’d let on your porch? Is it someone who would be invited into your living room? Is it someone who would seek you out to spend time with? Is it someone who would be there for you if you were in trouble? More than all of that, is it someone who would take time to work things out with you if there were miscommunications? Could you talk to them about your feelings? My definition would hugely weigh on the latter third of these, which caused me so much angst. My definition did not match theirs. To me, there’s a cavernous difference between an “audience” a “contact,” and a “friend.” Pain can only come from assuming the former two are the latter
3. If you find that you must censor yourself or be cloying to retain friends. Don’t do it.
Your real friends will accept you as you are, if you do not cross boundaries. By that I mean, you respect your friends’ beliefs, and you allow them to be themselves. I am of a certain religious variety, by choice. Some of that choice has to do with the religion in which I was raised, and some had to do with the current political situation. I remained a Christian and do not wish to hide it. It’s personal, mostly, although occasionally it comes up on Facebook, mostly when others are in distress. It’s complicated- I wish it weren’t. But it works for me. It did not work for others. The weird thing is, I happen to be attracted to atheists, probably due to their more evidence-based/reasoned approach to thoughts/challenges. I may have to change that approach or find friends who accept me.
4. Is your friend developing a following to sell a thing or a service?
Wow, this is a big one. As I developed friends who had something or a service to sell, I saw it only as a good thing. They were developing and thriving- and that was good, right? That was my feeling until most communications involved selling their wares. Then, I began to wonder- was I was a friend or a target audience? Even being an audience would have been okay, but only if the “friendship” thing was real. As time went on, and the friendship-sharing dissipated, and the ad posts increased, I felt worse, which clarified which side I was on.
5. Do your “friends” get together and not offer to include you?
I have a lot to say about this. Looking at posts of a happy get-together of very admired people has been a constant source of pain/feeling like “the outsider”/never in the “in” group, for me. This mostly includes women who get-together for some reason. It’s like high school and not being one of the cheerleaders (I quit sophomore year) or a jock or connected to one. I looked at a post recently that included many people whom I’ve communicated with almost daily. I doubt they would have considered asking me to come to their get-together, even if it had been around me geographically (and there are many that have been). And they didn’t. And it opened my eyes. What you see on-line, on a person’s page, is not what is going on behind the scenes. Remember that. It was comfortable for me to believe that friend- or public-posts were the reality. They were unfortunately not, which brings me to my final lesson.
6. Learn to protect yourself.
Because of the above lessons, and because I am loath to “unfriend” people, I started a new Facebook account. That meant saving over a decade of writing and photos (after Open-Salon folded many of us joined), deleting my account, and moving to a new site. I announced it. I asked who still wanted to be in contact probably three times, in public posts, on two accounts, and got maybe 12 responses. After I moved, the people I was unsure about no longer wanted to be friends (trust your gut). One blocked me even when I tried to provide comforting words during a tragic situation. Another unfriended me after friending me again. For a person (me) trying to extract myself from former toxic or empty relationships it was like déjà vu all over again. And it hurt. I’m tired of hurting.
After reading this, you probably think that I must be a horrible person. What must I have done to make so many people dislike me? You’ll just have to trust me, I’m not a bad person and work hard to be a good one. I also work very hard on friendships- on any relationship, really. I am a good friend who you could come to for help, consolation, conversation and fun. My home was always open.
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My lesson from this is to remove myself from the computer, and from Facebook, and seek out true relationships in real life. So, my goal is not to be on Facebook much from now on, except to keep a record of important life events. I’m not one for the telephone, but maybe I’ll have to work on getting over that. Phone or in-person conversations will become my main mode of communication. In person is better- because there’s nothing like the human touch. Hugs are good.
And even though I tried, I couldn’t hug anyone virtually, really, despite emojis.
